Fear of mortgages…

What on earth possessed me to buy what, it is becoming increasingly clear, amounts to a top-story cave ? (If one can have such a thing) As a person of reasonable height (but no sense at all, obviously) you would have thought such practical considerations might have entered into things. God knows why, but they evidently didn’t and I must, perforce, resign myself to a slightly stooped future. Of penury, in all probability.

It hasn’t really sunk in yet – the sheer weight of the debt I have (semi)-willingly saddled myself with, I mean. The insidious, almost glacial nature of it’s creeping advance is not the least frightening aspect of it all.

Strangely enough, the knowledge that I now share the situation of the majority of the population is no consolation at all. Just because most people do it, doesn’t make it necessary or wise in my book, and
the ordinariness of it is oddly horrifying.

Perhaps that explains the sense of creeping claustrophobia, of the narrowing of choices open to one, that seems to flicker around the edges of vision in darker/more tired moments. I’d like to think that it will only spur me on to greater heights of creative endeavour (or unlikely foolishness, depending on your point of view), but I’m not totally convinced.

Thinking of such things, I now remember being suddenly seized by a terrible sense of dread not long after buying my lap-top (hitherto the most expensive single item I’ve brought whilst not under the influence
of medication), waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat berating myself for being every kind of fool. I wouldn’t be without it, now, of course. I daresay the same will eventually apply to the flat, although I suspect it might take rather longer.

I’m sure this is probably a common phenomena, and it would go a long way towards explaining much of the drudgery and dullness that we seemprone to as a nation.

Slight pause as Allan adjusts point of view and assumes a positive attitude (whilst simultaneously sliding ever lower on the sofa)

On the other hand, it is a huge relief to be able to shut the door and leave the world behind in a space which is by all rights and usages mine. I can put up with a bruised noggin for that, I guess.

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